Hiding in Unnatural Happiness

I was once given a book on Buddhism with this title. I gave it away some time ago, but the title has stuck with me. 

Hiding in unnatural happiness, isn’t that what we’re all doing? Hiding behind our phones, our social media accounts, filters, masks? The walls we put up are not protecting us, but hiding us.  

How much of what we think makes us happy, is actually damaging to our health? how much of it is false? Are we even conscious of how much we rely on external circumstances for our own sense of happiness and fulfilment? Do we even notice we have an attachment?  

Addressing The Void 

Acknowledging the attachment is one thing, but going without it is another. Etsy recently shut down my shop without any prior warning. It was unjustified and without reason. Yet, running it had been consuming much of my time, and with the recent passing of my auntie, I was using it as a distraction.  

The loss of one thing opens the door to another, in the case of losing my shop, I at first used it as motivation to create my own business website. However, in stillness I found my soul had been yearning to return to writing – which I had been neglecting for the other.  

While I was delighted to be selling my artisan crafts and vintage books, I was also hiding in the new venture I had made for myself. I would like to return to my shop in the future, but for now my priority is my first love, writing. 

The initial loss, which also accompanied the sudden loss of my auntie, left me anxious and empty – I was facing the void within me. Not an uncommon feeling for me, I have looked into this void many times since my journey home began, but it comes in stages.  

Twinned with the mega butt-whooping we received with that Pisces New Moon on the 13th, it has felt like the Divine mirror has been held to my soul for the past week, reflecting my goal-orientated insecurities right back at me. Hello, existential crisis. 

“The moment we look outside ourselves for happiness, we’ve already lost it.”

the daughter of eden

Avoiding The Void

Seeking outside for what we already possess, is robbing us of everything – our time, energy, well-being. Nobody wants to be sad, to be plagued with feelings of unfulfillment, dissatisfaction, and general desperation. To be grasping at straws, or snatching moments of unnatural happiness, simply to avoid the void.  

Why do people bury themselves in external stimuli? waste themselves in temporary pleasure? It’s for the same reason we do anything in life, to fill the void. Whether we fill it up with other people’s problems, binge-eating, drugs, alcohol, sex, or the seemingly less damaging – yet, no less effective, books (guilty), we are numbing out the issue within us.  

But then it gets louder… 

And louder… 

Until you can’t take the sound of your own soul screaming at you, the emptiness you still feel. Even the remaining scrap of your practically non-existent social life, feels more like a burden than a blessing, because you can’t shake the feeling. 

So, then you sink further into unnatural happiness – only to realise, it just doesn’t have the same appeal as it once did. 

And then, you take one passing glance at your old life, everything you’ve lost, gained, it doesn’t matter, 

And fearlessly step (trip) into the void… 

Good golly, it’s a ride. 

What have you been a-voiding lately?

With love,